How To Talk To Children About Divorce

Divorce is an emotionally challenging time for everyone involved, but is especially unsettling for children. 

Once you tell your spouse you want a divorce or have mutually come to the decision, figuring out how to tell your children is likely the biggest worry in your mind. 

While every situation is different, there are steps you can take to ensure talking to your children about divorce goes as smoothly as possible. 

When talking to your children about divorce, you will need to:

1. Seek legal advice 
2. Plan what you are going to say together
3. Tell your children about the divorce as a team
4. Prepare for questions
5. Allow them to express their emotions
6. Explain the next steps 

1. Seek Legal Advice

Before you talk to your children about divorce, it’s important to seek legal advice from a family law solicitor. 

This is important to help you to understand the next steps so that you can clearly explain to your children when they inevitably ask questions. 

Legal advice will give you a wider understanding of the divorce proceedings as well as the ramifications associated with it. 

Through the support of your solicitor, you can make an informed decision on how to explain the situation to your children. 

2. Plan What You Are Going To Say Together

Once you’ve sought legal advice, you and your spouse will need to plan what you are going to say to your children together.

While planning what you are going to say together likely won’t be an easy feat, especially if the divorce isn’t mutual, you need to work together to come up with a clear plan. 

From deciding where you will live whilst divorce proceedings are ongoing to plans for the future, your children will look to both of you for answers.

Planning ahead of time is important to remain calm in front of your children and to avoid any blame games from occurring in the heat of the moment when talking to them about divorce. 

3. Tell Your Children About The Divorce As A Team

Next, you will need to tell your children about the divorce together as a team, not separately. 

Even if your children have suspected the divorce, the news will likely be a shock and it’s important that you’re both there to support them through it.

Telling your children together also removes blame and is important to avoid encouraging your children to take sides. This is supported by research on divorce that found ‘88% [of young people] agreed it was important [that] children don’t feel [forced] to choose between parents’.

Be open and reassure them that despite the divorce, you’re still their parents, and they will always remain your priority. 

That said, it’s important that you don’t make false promises, as this can result in more difficulties later down the line. 

4. Prepare For Questions

Divorce is an unsettling time for anyone, let alone children, so you must prepare adequately for any questions they may have when talking to them about divorce.

They’ll likely want to understand why you’ve come to the decision of divorce, where they’re going to live from now on, and who they’re going to live with. 

Although it doesn’t make the situation easier, explain to them that divorce is very common when you consider that 23% of families with children are headed by single parents and oftentimes relationships don’t work out.

That said, with questions come hard truths, so answer their questions honestly without negotiating or arguing with your children if they begin to lash out at you.

5. Allow Them To Express Their Emotions 

Divorce is likely to bring up a lot of emotion for your children, from upset to anger to feeling like they’re to blame.

Your children should feel like their feelings and concerns have been heard, not dismissed, so it’s important to practise mindful listening whilst they tell you how they feel.

If they’re silent, ask them how they’re feeling and allow them the space later if they don’t wish to speak now.

You will also need to reassure your children that your decision to get divorced was not influenced by anything they’ve done and they could not prevent it. 

6. Explain The Next Steps

Lastly, you will need to explain the next steps to your children. 

Putting your children first throughout the divorce is essential, though the next steps will likely depend on your personal circumstances. 

This might involve moving somewhere temporarily before the family home is sold or could be that you or your spouse is moving out of the family home. 

Reassure them that whatever the situation may be, you’re both here for them and life will remain as normal as possible through this turbulent time.

How We Can Help 

At Harding Evans, our divorce solicitors in Cardiff and Newport are experts in all aspects of divorce.

If you’ve come to the decision to divorce, be sure to get in touch with a member of our team today to determine the next steps.